When I look back over the course of my twenties, if I’m honest with myself, I’ll admit that most of the choices I made were based on how I thought you were supposed to live life. I went to college because that’s what my family, my friends, and everyone in my community expected me to do. I joined Teach For America because I knew how prestigious it would look on my resume afterward. I stayed in teaching, my longest toxic relationship, and got my master’s degree because I knew that career path would offer me a stable job and steady pay for the rest of my life.
Acknowledging that I did the best I could in the moment with the resources and life experience I had, looking back now, I think maybe I did it all wrong. I’ve come to realize that it was in the choices I made for myself, out of sheer selfish interest, that I learned the most and grew closer toward true self discovery.
I graduated a semester early from college, and, on a whim, decided to take a seasonal job at a ranch in Colorado. At the time, I’d never been further west than Pennsylvania, and had only ever visited four other states, each of them bordering my home state of New York. My friends and I drove across the country together to Denver, and on my final morning with them, I waved goodbye, got in my Civic, and drove 1.5 hours north into the mountains alone to live for four months without cell service. I did not understand then, and still to this day could not tell you, where that courage came from. I remember getting increasingly nervous as I went further up the mountain, but not once did the idea of turning around occur to me. I forged ahead, uncertain of my fate at the top, but very clear on the commitment I’d made to this vision.
In the time I worked at the ranch, I learned more about myself and the world around me than I did in four years of college. I worked alongside people from all over the country and began to understand how to thoughtfully and respectfully engage with individuals whose perspectives were different from my own. Through trial and error, I learned how to advocate for myself when placed in compromising positions.
While I was living at the ranch in Colorado, I took a four-day solo road trip to the Grand Canyon, on which I planned to camp two nights, one at Arches National Park, and one in Grand Canyon National Park. I had never camped a night in my life. I again do not know where the courage to complete such acts came from. I do know that as I drove into Arches National Park, amidst the glow of sunset, I felt capable of absolutely anything I put my mind to. I remember this feeling vividly, and sometimes I wish I could’ve bottled it up to refer back to when needed.
If I were brave, I would’ve stayed at that ranch for a couple more years, and allowed myself to grow slowly into the adult I wanted to become, continuing my journey of self discovery. Instead, I went back to the East Coast and began Teach For America institute. I knew it was the wrong decision from the first day, but even now, I don’t know if I would ever fully admit that. During my corps years, I met my best friend, Darby. It felt then, and still feels, as if at least that were meant to be.
Following my Teach For America years, I moved back to Colorado and started teaching kindergarten at a charter school in Denver. A selfish decision by all accounts, as at the time, my grandparents were getting older, and everyone else I knew and loved were deeply invested in East Coast life.
I went back because I wanted the freedom of the mountains. I wanted to physically remove myself from the unpleasantness of my childhood and set myself up for success in a place where the ‘rat race’ wasn’t a term people took seriously. While there, I got depressed, dated a man I never should’ve met, got dumped, built an outstanding community of amazing humans, and left with the confidence of a woman who knows who she is and what she wants out of this life. A ‘selfish choice’ (let’s refer to them instead as authentic life choices) that led me closer to who I am meant to become, and physically, drove me out of Denver, to a brief hiatus in San Francisco, and finally, home to New York City.
New York, the city that brightens my dreams and haunts my nightmares. I don’t think I would have ever actually admitted that it was my dream to live here, but when pressed, my back against a wall and death imminent, I know if you asked me where I wanted to spend my last day, New York would be the first place to escape my lips.
This is the city all my great-grandparents arrived at after a long journey across the Atlantic. Sometimes I wonder what they must’ve been thinking about when they passed the Statue of Liberty and entered New York harbor for the first time. Were they grateful? Afraid? Regretful? Some combination of the three? In coming here, did they live out their authentic life choices? Or would they have preferred to stay in Europe? I stare out at the statue from my treadmill inside Chelsea Piers, the gym where I spend $265/month to walk on a treadmill, and I wonder about these past versions of my family and if this was the future they imagined for the next generation.
Occasionally, I wonder what would be different if I’d dared to make more authentic life choices in my 20s. It’s a useless exercise, but it creates the right amount of momentum in my psyche to drive me toward making future choices that reflect what I truly want out of life, as opposed to what I think others expect of me, or worse yet, what I think I expect of myself.
If I’ve learned nothing else in this long and sometimes arduous life, it is that we are truly capable of whatever we set our minds to. We cannot be afraid to make authentic life choices, as these often lead to moments and experiences which allow us to become the best version of ourselves. Move across the country, attend the open mic night, post your funny TikToks, live a life without fear and expectation, and when you look back over the years, you’ll know you lived fully as yourself.
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