An ex told me a few days ago that our relationship “wasn’t right” for him. That there was “something better” out there for him than what we had. That our relationship taught him what he was looking for in a “marriage partner” and I didn’t measure up. Now that he knew what he wanted, he suspected he’d be able to know if the next relationship was “right” for him much sooner than the fourteen months it took him to determine I wasn’t what he was looking for. He assured me he was more than ready to take a relationship to the next level- just not with me.
It hurt. A lot. But I continue to remind myself it’s not personal.
So much of my young life, similarly to many other people, was wrought with emotional responses to other people’s actions. If a friend didn’t like what I was wearing, I burned with shame for days. If an adult in my life gave me unsolicited feedback about my attitude, I’d spend the rest of the day holding back tears. My world revolved around me, and thus, I assumed everyone else’s worlds did too. It simply never occurred to me that the root of other people’s emotions might’ve been their own insecurities.
I calmed down a little bit in my 20s, and started to understand that sometimes, people weren’t really talking about me when they were emoting. Though directed at me, nine times out of ten, their words and actions weren’t actually about me. They were about a past trauma or a bad morning commute or a deep-seeded insecurity that perhaps the other person wasn’t even conscious of.
This concept came fully to fruition only recently, when I read ‘The Four Agreements’ and the author listed “don’t take anything personally” as the second one. Fireworks shot off in my brain when I read that chapter. Miguel Ruiz explains the concept more articulately than I ever could, but the baseline was this: nothing anyone else does is ever because of you. It’s a result of their own life experiences, traumas, and relationship to the world.
The cutting words of our friends, exes, lovers, family, etc. aren’t actually about us, and we don’t need to make ourselves suffer over their biting edge. The best we can do is forgive, offer compassion, and move on, whether that looks like setting careful boundaries with the person, simply never speaking to them again, or resolving the issue and continuing the relationship.
We don’t need to hurt over other people’s pain. We can empathize and wish them the best. But there’s no reason to torture ourselves over someone else’s flawed opinions.
I acknowledge this is all easier said than done. Sometimes the hurt stays with us whether we want it to or not. For my own healing, the second agreement helps me remind myself that it’s not about me. When I chant this to myself, I’m slowly building up this narrative in my head and ridding myself of the painful intrusive thoughts saying I’m not good enough. This essay itself serves as a written reminder that this is not personal. And this person’s words, though hurtful, do not need to hold power over me.
We are all humans trying our best with the resources that we have. In my own life, I choose to forgive the people who’ve hurt me, set boundaries, and work toward creating and living out the life I want. I’d like to believe there is good in all of us, and I KNOW we all have the capacity to learn and grow from our mistakes.
Don’t take anything personally and set yourself free from unneeded suffering.
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