I was recently told, by someone I thought I respected, that it seemed like I wasn’t “chasing something.” This inspired reflection.
First, of course, the obvious: What am I supposed to be chasing?
I have lived most of my life in ‘survival mode’ for a litany of reasons that don’t actually matter. As a child, I couldn’t imagine living past 18. I had no plans not to live past 18, I just could never properly visualize a life beyond high school. I was afraid to make lofty goals or create 5-year plans because the reality that I might not even be around tomorrow to see them through made it all seem useless. Instead, for most of my adult life, I lived within 1-2 year cycles where I created a goal, carried out the steps to make the goal happen, succeeded (or failed) in making it work, and then wrapped everything up with a bow and moved on to the next phase of life. Each cycle carried significant emotional weight and typically involved some kind of physical move.
The way my brain functions has, for many years, disallowed me from thinking beyond these two year cycles. With therapy and time, I’ve been able to slowly stretch this span to encompass more, but it’s difficult to put faith into a ten, or even five, year plan when you’re scared that everything might be ripped away at any second.
For some people, including the person who told me I wasn’t “chasing something,” their life experience has allowed them to think beyond this narrow scope. Envisioning the future feels a worthwhile pursuit because they haven’t yet come up against a situation that shifts the entire trajectory of their life in a completely different direction. They believe that the plans they make early on will carry them into adulthood and beyond, that they’ll have time to “chase” whatever it is they seek- a billion dollar company or a job as CEO or a house in the islands or retiring at 35. They cling to these fantasies, build them out into carefully laid step-by-step plans, and enact them to the best of their ability.
(As a disclaimer, and to remain fair in my appraisal, I should point out that this approach does appear to work out for some people.)
I applaud those with the capacity to dream, believe, and do. I wish my brain worked this way, and maybe one day it will. But for now, the idea of spending my life “chasing” something society dictates I should value feels like a waste of time I’m not guaranteed.
The next question: if it seems like I’m not “chasing something”, what am I doing with my time?
In a word, living. Attempting, each day, to be 1% better than the version of myself from the day before. Pouring into my friends and family to help them grow and learn and interact with the world around them. Taking time to do the things I enjoy- reading, exploring, traveling. Engaging in new pursuits, meeting new people, taking on new challenges. Learning different skills that interest me and letting these new skills guide me in directions I hadn’t considered before. Allowing myself to be open to the different possibilities that life presents. Trying to be a good person.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I am “chasing something”- a good life. Where I show up in the ways I want to for the people I love and take care of myself and those around me and create positive value for others in my community. I suspect this is too vague for the overachievers. I suspect further that the idea that simply living a good life could be enough for someone contradicts the expectations of a capitalistic system, and therefore instills a level of fear in certain members of society that inspires them to reject this as a useless pursuit.
In short, I need to let go of one person’s opinion, which in truth was likely just a projection of their own insecurities anyway, and live my life the way I want. Easier said than done. However, I am grateful for the introspection this person’s judgement triggered. I feel more secure in my own desire for a good life after dwelling on the alternatives. I don’t care if I ever run a company or buy a mansion or reap any of the rewards I’ve been told to want. Maybe I will and maybe I won’t. As long as I do good by myself and the people I love, I’ll know I’ve chased enough in this life.
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