Lately, I’ve started to realize that I don’t really think anyone actually knows what they’re doing. I’ve had inklings for a while, but after a recent breakup, and subsequent analysis of every choice I’ve ever made, good or bad, to lead me here, I’ve come to the conclusion that I think every one of us is just sort of making it up as we go along and praying everything works out in the end.
In some ways, so much of my 20s has been spent clinging to the idea that there is a path laid out for me to follow, a specific set of guidelines that, if completed in order and on the correct timeline, will ensure I lead a ‘good life.’ I go to college, get a degree, land a steady job, meet the man of my dreams, move to the suburbs, have kids, and live happily ever after.
In most of my past relationships, my objective was to get engaged, and subsequently married, despite not being ready, because I desired the validation of reaching this milestone within the right time frame and checking off a box on the imaginary to-do list I’d created for my life. I’d thought that with that part of my life seemingly under control, I’d either a) feel completely whole and never need to think about anything scary ever again (i.e. live out my happily ever after) or b) be freed up to pursue other goals, secure in the knowledge that I could always fall back on the validation that I felt would come from succeeding in this conventional trope. I would have accomplished the task of creating a happily ever after for myself, and with this secure, could then begin my ‘real life.’
The reality of the inherent insanity to this line of thinking dawned on me slowly over a long period of intense reflection.
I couldn’t help this behavior- we’re conditioned from the time we’re very young children to believe in this version of the future. If you grew up in the suburbs, and didn’t travel much, like me, this was the dominant model for the way life worked. It’s incredibly difficult to conceive of a life outside the happily ever after trope when every adult around you lives within the boundaries of this narrative.
To clarify quickly, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with living this way, as long as you’re happy and fulfilled. The problem arose for me when I realized that I wasn’t. For most of my 20s, I moved around, tried out different relationships, and worked a stable, job (that I hated) because these were all the things I was told to do and expected of myself. However, in quiet moments of reflection, on solo trips or long walks around the different cities I called home, I allowed myself to accept that perhaps I wanted more. Or if not more, then certainly something different.
At 28, I’ll admit that I don’t feel ready for the traditional milestones that accompany your late 20s in the ‘happily ever after’ narrative. I would love to be engaged, married, and have children at some point, but I enjoy the freedom of being able to continue to make authentic life choices for myself without having to consider the impact of people who depend on me. I want to travel to all 50 states before I turn 30, find a job that I feel passionate about, and pursue my creative interests to the fullest extent, in a way I never felt confident enough to do before.
Acknowledging that my goals and life path look different than that of many people around me feels like it shouldn’t be a novel idea. Nor is it, as there were many women (and men, and people) before me who forged incredible lives for themselves outside traditional social boundaries. However, even in the 21st century, there is still a high level of discomfort in admitting that I don’t want to live my life according to the timeline and story arc I was taught I needed to have. And there’s a lot of fear in the idea that I’m pursuing a life that doesn’t have a clear guide.
But if everyone else is making it up as they go along, then why can’t I? (Or you, for that matter!)
My greatest accomplishments and fondest memories have primarily occurred outside the bounds of the narrative I created for myself as a child. It is difficult, but when I imagine the possibilities of greatness that could transpire if I finally put the list aside and instead focused on the things I actually feel passionate about in this life, they seem endless. All the energy I’ve spent trying to make someone else’s idea of happily ever after happen for myself might actually be put to use creating the happily ever after I want.
The reality is, none of us actually know what’s going to happen in our lifetimes. The narratives and timelines we create, both as individuals and as a collective society, help give us a false sense of power over things we cannot actually control. In letting go of our own expectations of how life should look, we allow ourselves the grace to live authentically for whatever amount of time we have.
We are capable of whatever we set our minds to, and our perception of what success or failure looks like in our lives is completely up to us. Step outside the bounds of what you think is possible, eat ice cream for breakfast, get married for the first time at 40, don’t have children. No one knows the right way to do anything, and as long as you’re happy and treat others with respect, you should feel confident in the freedom to make up whatever you want for your life as you go along.
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